Free to think. Free to write. Free to live. Free to be.

I'm on my way to houston and these trees in the scenery told me a story

2008-03-14T15:07:00.000-05:00

The thought of the pine needles poking the palms of my hands and the smell of the dew that would overlay each of the tiny portions of the leaf and the images of a winter wonderland occupy my imagination as I am traveling on this second day of spring. I am not even one who is fond of the blizzarding season but those trees made me think of its beautiful display, one I prefer to witness from the inside of a warm home.
Now, as I pass through a forest of leafless and lifeless trees, a sense of sadness embodies the area. Its as if they are just staring as we pass by, hoping to be noticed, to be helped or relieved from the stale atmosphere they are trapped in. Hundreds and hundreds of withering and wilting bark stand there awaiting the moment when they will finally be beautiful again. When they will bloom and blossom and blow lightly in the days breeze. On occassion a pre-mature life will emerge from the darkness. One who is strong already, standing tall and confident and covered in the perfect outfit, adorned in ivory petals and swaying as if it had long blonde hair that the wind is running its fingers through.
My head has concocked this scenario where all of the sad trees are very envious of the springs first completion. That they don't understand why she is infact completed before they can even be consulted. Why she can proudly display the blue ribbon before the competition has even began. They are irritated by the methods of their creator and instead of being naked and proud, they turn cold, and bitter and slouch as if the are tapping their foot impatiently while they cross their arms and frown.
And as more and more beauties are visible as I continue down this road, the sad get sadder and the lively get livelier. It makes me wonder if the dark and dull are the ice queens of the winter time, the time when the pine trees really shine. Initially I extended some sorrow to these weeping woods but now I look at them almost in disgust because they feel entitled to the recognition and rewards, even if though they may not have demonstrated the dedication or effort those it is surrounded by have. And as the dantily decorated trees appeal to my view, I begin to admire the tallest tree on the road. The tree wilts for noone and no thing and understands its time will come when it is right. It has one bud beginning to blossom.

I wrote you a letter

2008-02-26T00:14:00.000-06:00

I wrote you a letter
but I tucked it away
I suppose I am saving it
for a rainier day.

I wrote you a letter
not just in my head
but my heart does want answers
to the thoughts in its head

But I stored your letter
this one that I wrote
but one day I will send it
one day, I hope

and I hope you'll reply
I hope you'll respond
I hope you'll send back
so I'll finally tread on.

I will tread,
I will flee,
I will leave in the night.
If your true with answers I can end this fight

But until I grow strong
Until I let go
your letter's in my pocket
and I still dont know.

Denial

2008-02-25T23:50:00.000-06:00

Blind-fold my eyes
Plug up my ears
Keep your mouth locked
so I won't have to hear

The truth is what hurts
Your honesty lies
Spare me your story
and let me deny.

I will sit on your carpet
Sulk in your smell
Continue pretending you have nothing to tell.

Don't uncover my eyes
I like what I see
I'm to scared to acknowledge that I'm not what you need

Let me keep my ears clogged
Let me bow down my head
Let me turn my back
and ignore this instead.

My drawers will stay full
My bags unpacked
My body will lie next to yours
and we will still be in tact

I will want what I want
Believe what I choose
Read in to only the things I opt to

My rediculous behavior will discomfort those around
but I refuse to accept
That you were something to impound.

So I will look away
Hide under the covers
Stay asleep in your bed
til' this nightmare is over

Because I love what I love
So I do what I do
squeezing my eyes tightly
Avoiding what's true.

Reaching

2008-01-30T22:32:00.001-06:00

The longer I think
And the longer I dream
And the longer I hope
That you will soon be

Be here with me
Clear in my sight
Warm to the touch
That I lay with at night

But we're too far
And your too far gone
And I'm left wishing
Left sitting alone

Alone full of hope
Alone in this crowd
Reaching for something
To turn me around.

So I'll reach and reach
And I'll reach for someone new
When ultimately its clear
I'm reaching for you.

1/29/07

I Leave

2008-01-30T22:28:00.000-06:00

Your vain and your shallow
and your heart is so hollow
yet you don't understand why we turn.
Why we flee in a hurry,
have no choice but to scurry
for fear of what else you'll tear down.
Your methods so mad
and your thoughts are so mad
and these tricks that you hide up your sleeve.
This madness is mad,
your betrayal so sad and
you don't understand why we leave.
Your head must be jumbled
To think what you think
and to do all the things that you do.
And For that I leave
While Im still able to breathe
And before I have no more to give you.

1/22/08

dont meddle where you're unwanted...

Dreaming

2008-01-30T22:25:00.001-06:00

When my eyes are closed
and ears wide open
and my body lying there dead,
the clearest view of me and you
appears vivdly in my head.
You whisk me away to a magical place,
where fairies and slippers are true,
I can click my heels at any pace
and find my way back to you.

1/22/08

Dive In

2008-01-30T22:19:00.000-06:00

I don't just like to wade there,
in the water all alone
Or quickly dip my toes in
then jump back because its cold.

I like to spread my arms out wide
as wide as they will go
Dive right in,
head first
And let the rest of it unfold.

My heart is big and willing
My love's innocent and true
My soul is naive and hopeful
And is holding out for you.

I may be young,
I may be scared,
I may need my protection
For broken hearts come at all ages
and noones desire is rejection.

But in the end
I still dive in
My breath inhaled so deep
Because love is love
A mountain to climb
A peak to try to reach.

12/23/07

one of my favorites...i find myself to be interested in the ones who cant keep their interest these days.
and whats so wrong with wanting to be protected?

Free- blog

2008-01-30T22:18:00.001-06:00

My mind continues to wander to the places where a brigade guards their entrance and they are powerless. How can my curiousity be censored by my own self. Is it trained or forced or coincidence that where it attempts to go are headed in the same direction that I as a physical being want to go to. Places where normal is abnormal and the world is waiting for me. Places I feel from within pulling me and hear screaming for me and see waving to me. Places far from this room I sit in now. How can this mental wall stand so strong that I am unable to find my way around it. I need these places. I need these journies. And I need noone to stand in my way. Selfish for me but selfish for you.

9/20/o7

Free

2008-01-30T22:14:00.000-06:00

Drifting and sinking and sailing away
and the message in the sand is all that remains.
No anchor's quite heavy enough to cause me to stay
and all i can do is eagerly wait.
For a new day to come,
a new song to play,
the wind to push me to wander astray.
To walk the plank,
to take the plunge,
to dive into what lies amongst the unknown.
Burry my body and lay in the sun
and soak up the solace that anoints only one.
Paddle, and row, and stroke thru the sea
and hopefully end up where I'm finally free.

9/20/07

i remember feeling trapped, in every aspect imaginable... a desire for change and a need to leave

For You

2008-01-30T22:11:00.000-06:00

When the water is rising and you think you've taken your final breath,
I promise my hands will save you.
When the sky is falling and you are burried under the clouds,
know I will be there to uncover you from all the rubble.
When the storm blows thru and attempts to whisk you away,
I am ready to act as your shelter.
The pressure rests heavy on your shoulders
and makes it difficult to sit,
but at all times I will try to lighten your load.

The tears and the fears and the doubts are discouraging
and expectations are only more terrifying
but I will hold your hand
and keep you balanced
as you continue your tred across this unsturdy bridge.

7/9/07

he was scared. overwhelming feeling that life was too much to handle and failure was approaching... we all know the feeling.

My Maze

2008-01-30T22:08:00.000-06:00

Life has evolved into this complicated maze
with more obstacles than i was prepared for.
Turning left makes you turn right to walk straight
and only realize you're stuck so you back up and go right first instead.
Trapped and confused and determined to find the one route that puts an end to this puzzle,
but I keep on and keep on and keep on getting so turned around
it seems its easier just to sigh and give up.
This maze, its tricky, but its not over until its completed,
but day by day it gets longer and longer and I only appear to be becoming even more tangled inside.
This life stuff, defintly not set on the beginner level.
And the pages to my story seem to only increase with time.

I thought we'd reached the climax but now I believe I have no idea what lies ahead and I admit, its uncomforting.

8/22/07

true story...

This Line

2008-01-30T22:04:00.000-06:00

I thought that I was ready,
regained my strength,
and just as I was stood,
my knees grew weak.
My wings collapsed,
my breath now lagging
and the longer I ponder,
the more I am sagging.
Moping and hunching and scuffing along,
unsure of the meaning you mentioned in song.
Once in front,
now a step behind,
I sit here in darkness and rearrange this line.
A trade?
A swap?
has Someone jumped ahead,
to the front of this line,
this one I was once lead?
There are clues to this mystery I am trying to uncover,
unleashing the sounds upon me to hover.
But where to begin,
what to consider
The return of results will only make me bitter.
So renege and press on
or disect the incision?
My ankles shake frantically as they await my decision.

6/20

i think this was after ol' boyfriend left me an accidental and unfortunate voice mail... left me with all kinds of new curiosities

You Don't Hear

2008-01-30T21:55:00.000-06:00

I'm living in a sound proof room
where people only pretend to hear what I say.
They stand opposite of these thick walls
and I rest enclosed within.
Read my lips.
Or don't.
what difference does it make.
Even when I take the time to write it out,
you don't take the time to hear me.
Maybe you view it,
see it,
read it.
But never do you hear a word I say.
Never will you understand me.
Never will you fully grasp the person I really am.
Outer appearances are simply costumes to disguise the being we truly are.
To cover the flaws we are ashamed of.
To defer your eye from seeing more than we are willing to share.
But even if I stood bare in front of you,
all you would see is a naked body.
You would never see me.
You could never see me.
Just like you can never hear me
because you will never take the time or force the effort to openly listen.
My costume, whatever it may be,
is quite possibly one of the best I've seen.
You dare not to suspect me to be me...
you don't take the time to develope the curiousity to even wonder who I am.
The room i live in,
did I chose this suffocation?
Or was it your archaic actions that drove me to lock my self up?
You will never know...
you will never ask.

4/9/07

so many people in my life fail to take me seriously. They read my work and joke about it. They refuse to acknowlege the situations that touch my heart and instead laugh about my language, or the simple fact that i chose to write. Then proceed to claim knowledge of my life. Not many people can understand the depth i possess. its irritating and uninspriring. i am an artist and am passionate and proud of my work and for those who opt to look and overlook it, you violently stab me where it hurts the most.

De Ja Vu

2008-01-30T21:49:00.000-06:00

Its like de ja vu.
I know I've been here before. T
oo much nonsense fills my plate and I still get up for more.
There is a buffet of things
and I lack self control,
but I have seen this before...
I should already know

I should know I build it always too tall
I should know an arm will reach never that high
I should know in the end it ends near a fall
I should know this, I know.
I can't make sense of it all.

Or of any thing or any time or any moment that occurs.

But if I close my eyes a thousand times
their renewal never fails to rewind
Takes me back to a place
One I've been before
Where the frantic insanity
Presented by the whore.
One whom trapped me.
Melted my skin
And layer by layer changed what I am in.

This life I lack comprehension of
This vision, reoccurring, and unable to lose
My newly warped self is empty handed
And even when yours are full
you make me choose.
You tempt my choice to steal your role
Beg me to be your whore
Turn me into a hopefull
When I know it's just a chore.

I know you fall
I know you ache
I know you urge to cling
But you try to hide and cover and flee
instead Of just be.

You can't just be
You can't just say
There always must be the act
But I'm here again

For what I long to be the final time

Because the exhaustion is rough on the one who knows the truth.
Just as rough as it is on the one who denies it.

So its really it
de ja vu must end
It must be my last visit here
And next time I wander toward this obstacle again
I must strive to simply steer

4/9/07

my craziest experience. Risky and promiscuous. With no true intentions, the fun did in turn turn serious.

Or

2008-01-30T21:46:00.000-06:00

We can go too far.
One step too many,
and sink so low that defeat seems more promising than saving our self.
we can listen to hard to the nothings and nonsense in our mind that we no longer are able to focus on our initial assessment.
We can deny our self of our wants in order to avoid selfishness and in return gain buckets of regrets.
We can wallow in our sorrows too long that they become our net of reassurance.
We can wait too long to realize we waited too long then see we spent our life missing.
We can hover over our failures and let them destroy the plans we made and in turn ruin His plan for us to overcome the trials set out to give us strength to perservere.
We can give up too soon and drown in our pitty and yank our saviors along for the viewing of the anchors submersion in hopes to immerse them and ourself as well.
Or
we can make an effort to take one more step forward and continue in the direction of making more efforts...

4/9/07

Hoping to shine a light in on all of these closed eyes i surround myself with.

Send Me a Rescue

2008-01-30T21:42:00.000-06:00

Send me a rescue,
I'm in too deep.
My claws have no grasp
and my stomache is weak.
My thoughts are so jumbled
that I don't know where to begin
and my pressed buttons are in dire need of a mend.
I can't explain it.
I don't know how.
But I'm pinned to the wall and I want up now.
So send me a rescue,
please come quick.
Its all piling up.
These layers are too thick.

2/5/07

The timing seems about right here. I cant want to be in love all the time. It'd be to simple.

At What Point Will You Release Me?

2008-01-30T21:36:00.000-06:00

At what point will you realease me?
Unlock me from these cuffs.
My body is tired from dragging this weight
and lacks the strength to simply break free.
Please hand me the keys,
please let me go,
please see I've done nothing to deserve this life long sentencing
behind these metal bars of no's and donts and cants.
I've served my twenty years, I feel I've paid my time,
and now you seem to have hidden the keys that lead to my realease.
My freedom.
At what point will you just believe in me.
What must I do.
My cell is growing old and the scenery is no longer amusing
and I bang on the doors
and yell for the guard
and plot and plot and plot,
yet my escape remains a plan and my dreams unfulfilled.
These cuffs are rusting on my wrists
and the pain I can't take much more of.
At what point will you just release me?
Set me free.

1/5/07

The reasoning behind this makes me laugh. My parents said i couldn't leave town to go to an audition-that i just knew would change my life- so i was furious...it was the first time i'd really disobeyed them,left and did it anyway. Packed my bags and headed down to texas.

Waiting in LIne

2008-01-30T21:33:00.000-06:00

There are times when I need you
Just to see that you are there.
And I find myself waiting on something that is much to occupied to see
There are times I feel alone,
No matter how many people surround me
I call out
And hear my echoing voice as the only response
Somehow it feels the echo is even more damaging than before
when all was still
I just need a laugh
No consoling, no shoulder, no advice
Just the comfort that comes as a bonous
But so much consumes so much
And I find i am near the end of the line
But as strictly as it is prohibited by all existing norms
I'd do anything
Just to cut

12/28/06

i missed my friend... She was so close, but too far

Revolation

2008-01-30T21:29:00.000-06:00

I can't recollect any part of the past and compare it to the changes I'm currently undergoing.
I can't whip up a recipe
or tell you exactly what's in it.
I can't even explain to myself
how I got so tangled up in these knots,
but I can tell you I will not be needing your pocket knife to cut me loose.
No, I do not want to be untied,
possibly ever.
I took a shovel and pushed my mess aside,
so that it may be fresh,
and moist and free to let anything willing to cling on do so
and once again the tide swept you in.
How much more fortune can I be given?
Am I living n a dam made of gold and jewels?
It seems so magical that the day I finally throw my guard down I see only you.
so strange it also seems that I could continue this vision for far much longer than I had ever imagined.
Since this revolation inside of myself began
no matter how cold or dark it gets,
there has not been an imperfection in the sky.
And no matter how lost I become,
the compass I've turned into never fails me.
I can always make it back where I know I need to be.
Where I unselfishly yearn to be,
because all I want now is to share me...with you.

12/28/06

i decided not to be scared anymore. to open my arms and run full force. i remember this night. laying in my living room late typing my fingers away, so excited to put my feelings on paper and let him read them shortly after. ya, i remember this night.

Note to Self

2008-01-30T21:25:00.000-06:00

Quit looking past perfection,
yearning for something that seises to even exist.
What's better than perfection,
or better than it patiently waiting?
Struggling so hard to keep it tucked away,
the hand of this perfection would just reach out and wrap me up.
But so considerate is this perfection that it steps aside,
unselfishly allowing me to choose just as I please
and consciously placing its self into a vulnerable state
not knowing if I will choose the same road it has wandered down.
As I hitch hike my way up and down these winding roads,
wanting to be picked up and taken everywhere I am unfamiliar with,
this perfection remains visible in every rear.
Those objects are always closer,
this one so close I feel its every breath on my neck.
Conscious on a shoulder,
perfection on the other and both are carried heavily with my every step.
Neither, however present any burden.
Perfection isn't always perfect,
but its always thoughtful.
Its always pure.
It always loves me.
Its always unconditional.
And I am always oblivious.
Note to self: quit looking past perfect
yearning for something that seises to even exist.

11/28/07

Im sure we ended up together shortly after this realization.

Ok?

2008-01-30T21:22:00.000-06:00

If I'm stingy is it ok?
If I'm selfish is it ok?
If I claim you, but not actually to you is it ok?
I crush you, confuse you, tear you to pieces,
but I still ask...is it ok?
I know you want to be my jacket,
the shoes my feet stand in,
but instead your the ground those shoes walk all over,
and I still want to know...is it ok?
Hand in hand one day we may stride,
but today we travel with distance between us.
Maybe I'm scared. Or Unprepared.
Maybe I'm searching,
moving toward a dead end.
I see the warning signs.
The instructions are so clear,
but I still move forward in search for something I know not how to grasp.
Know not how to control.
Something that tears me to pieces.
Oblivious? No.
Errogant? Unsure.
But you.
Patient,
Vulnerable,
and willing.
and never do you ask if it's ok.

11/17/06

Perfect boy right in front of my face

Fairy Tales

2008-01-30T21:15:00.000-06:00

The jokes we make have these underlying meanings
and our laughs are only there to cover up our sensitivity.
no matter how long we deny it,
it still amounts to no more than denial.
We gaze in this crystal ball wanting to know the answers,
and always manage to make up our own prophecies.
a fairy tale ending so near to reach,
but a hand, strong,
just shoves it into the distance pushing away all things that could be pleasant.
is that what's wrong?
we look past what the crystal ball really has to offer
and see only the pleasing images we have secure in our minds
or are these images truly what we are being shown.
these plans for the future are always accompied with giggles,
yet knowing there could really be some truth,
some fact in these sarcasmic discussions we so frequently engage in.
I know if my castle were to ever burn
you would instantly be there to whisk me away to a safer venue,
I know if my shoe I was ever to lose
you would search every townswomen to find me,
I know if ever there was an uncomforting object below my pillow
you would strip each matress until I was pleased...
but is that really where the battle lies?
Am I ever pleased?
Am I unpleasable?
Will there ever be any triumph so extravagant that i will be knocked off of my pedistool
and into the arms of a prince?
Or by that time will my prince be gone?
I can pretend to convince myself that no evil stepsister will ever snatch you up,
but even I know when I'm lying to my own self.
So when we map out the future,
and its always you and I,
is it just a generic map for you to follow
and I am just your paperdoll
or do we both find some significance our nonsense?

11/17/06

The beginnings to a wonderful romance.

The Outcome is Always the Same

2008-01-30T21:10:00.000-06:00

Set myself up for a let down.
Encouraging vulnerability.
Suffocation in my lungs and combustion of my heart.
Vibrations in my hands send the wrong signals to my head and hopes skatter down my veins. But far enough down they do not fall,
they need to burry them selves
because I am not able to do it on my own
but the suddleties of your actions
and the harshness of your actions
and your imperfect inconsistencies run me reckless up a tree.
The sand has all fallen to the bottom of the timer,
and so long ago was the end,
but in our previous life where even the tips of our fingers matched,
nothing seemed out of reach,
nothing seemed amature,
nothing seemed unreasonable.
But today,
as I stared directly into the face of reality everything seemed unreachable,
everything seemed ammature,
and everything so unreasonable.

I glare through the hazey layer covering my window,
foolishing hoping to glance back to that time,
but the only images with any clearity are the candid photos of your new improvements.
as the puddles fill,
then overflow,
my eyes are overcome with continuous amounts of water.
but im still standing there staring at these pictures
and begging my head to dilude my mind from wandering so far off into such a dangerous place as this
but I'm helpless...
I have no control over the destinations of my thoughts
and I have no control over the feelings which derive from the journeys.
Such unfortunate compromise.
Constant battle of head and heart.
The outcome is always the same...
hope and heartache

11/6/06

i dont even really like this one. Well I dont like the first half. But thats that. Same boy.

Ropes

2008-01-30T21:03:00.000-06:00

I hate that you wrap your rope around me so tightly,
you sneak up on me and lure me in.
I thought the time expired,
the game was done
but ever so often you mount your horse and run me over once again.
I can only stear clear so long
until my insides bleed out and my heart knows nothing but to detach its self.
All of this reckless galloping I do to flee seems to dizzy me in circles,
throw me out into the street.
You on your horse,
in charge,
in control,
hover over my soul and pick and chose,
come and go,
just as you please.
If you were to fall off this mighty horse,
you just get right back on but when I do,
when I did,
I can do no more than just lay there helpless.
desperate.
So badly I want you to strap me into your saddle
but instead you continue to puncture my open wounds with your spur.
These haneous midnight rides are merely test runs to see if you are still able to herd...
and these escapades I long to end.
and finally as the threads of your rope wither I reach out to hand you a new one,
stronger than the last.
A rope that takes longer to shred so that your next ride may lead you further...
thru the swinging doors for a stop...
a stop,
not a rest,
not a break,
but a stop.
And I continue to supply you these ropes,
each one tougher than the last,
but maybe your horse will soon tire and a rope you will need no more.

11/4/06

It is interesting for me to read this now and be able to understand exactly what I was going through at that moment. Oh this boy, he has had quite some hold on me for too long. Builds you up then throws you down.

So I Soak

2008-01-30T20:55:00.000-06:00

As I lay hear surrounded in nothing but my own dirt,
I can not help but wish for you to flow down the drain with it.
The residue you leave,
the ring you cause to stain,
those are merely reminders of the lies you've told and pain you've caused.
The thoughts of you are reckless,vacant,
yet they never seem to leave my side.
I take my shirt off in hopes you will shed too
but it seems there is no scrub strong enough to remove you.
So I soak,
soak in this mess,
your mess,
and carry your filth along with my own.
You leave me standing there,
dripping
and cannot care enough to dry me off.
So I drip,
I drip all night and have found no towel that can keep me warm.
I've been wet for days now
and the remains of your dirt are still as clear as the moment when u heaped them upon me.
but where are you?
Clean I'm sure,
you must be clean
because you left me covered in scum,
your scum...
so I soak.

11/2/06

this was the first thing i wrote in my free time, for the sheer enjoyment of writing. it was almost as if it wrote itsself. I was so irritated how this man treated one of my most beloved friends and my aggretion demanded some sort of attention. This was the result.

My intro.

2008-01-30T16:57:00.000-06:00

I decided as a writer, I should make my work available to those interested in reading it. As a result I have decided to create this blog. I am Kelsey, a 21 year old student with aspirations in, some may say, all too many areas. I am a dancer, choreographer, writer, designer, and now blogger. This summer I have plans to intern at a fashion magazine or PR firm in the big apple, however I dont actually have one landed quite yet. Mainly I write poetry, stuff I think could be made into beautiful songs, so maybe I write lyrics. We shall see. Welcome to my blog. A place where i finally feel free.

Free to think. Free to write. Free to live. Free to be.